THAT one missing night
by imaybelovesbitch
Summary: I've never found any satisfying version of that "missing" night between Spike & Buffy in Chosen, season 7. Most people write about them making love, but I don't buy that theory... so, I wrote my version of the events... PS : I'm French, so please, forgive my English if it's wrong..


And there she was, finally coming down those stairs again. Beyond tired, beyond scared, beyond concerned... It was as if she ended down there merely by instinct.  
And he was there. Alone and standing right in front of her.  
For a moment she remembered having wished that Faith wouldn't be there and then thinking "no, no thinking at all". She mustn't give in to panic, nor fear, nor feelings. Feelings were definitely the trickiest... "no thinking at all". He was down there, alone. Then... so could she be.

When he saw her coming down, for one little moment he thought that maybe the trinket had finally hypnotized him asleep. Then he stood and all was feeling too real. The aching kind of real. The feeling that life bestows one of your deepest wishes upon you on account of your last hour is at hand. Yes, he just wanted to spend his last hours near her. Anywhere and anyway, but close to her. He just didn't thought he could ask for that. He wasn't worthy of her. He tried. God knows he tried. But it never felt enough. He just tried to keep himself together, to be dignified and play a role in the last battle, just one last time... before he could sleep forever and let go of that self-loathing, of that guilt, of that love that was clutching at him... too deep and too heavy to be put aside.  
But that didn't mattered now, right ? Maybe, somehow, she heard his silent screaming and caught the beating of his still heart. Cause there she was. Near him, closer to him. On her own. Of her own free will. And that was...

They were standing still. Two souls at a stalemate. Lacking words, lacking time.

She didn't know what to say, nor what to do. Thankfully, he finally broke the deafening silence :

"I was wondering if you would be coming down... his eyes were lowered, his tone undefinable  
\- Yeah... she hushed, exhausted.

\- Well, I'm glad you showed up, I was getting restless again... pff... he casually answered.

\- Then maybe you'd better ask yourself how you'd like to spend your most likely last night on earth... she said smiling shyly. Spare me the gambling kitten things though !

\- See, that's the point, Pet, I'd have liked to spend it near you. So now, I guess, my night is complete... he said chuckling. At least for the time being...

\- Why do you always do that ?

\- Do what ?

\- Speak so bluntly your feelings, but not ever in a sappy or supplicating way ? How do you always make it sound so... factual ?

\- You want to speak psychology with me right now ? He asked incredulously. Hellooo ! I'm not brain so much as blood ! You know it... it's always my blood talking... he almost spit out that last part.  
\- That's becoming a little gross... all that blood involved ! She teased.  
\- You were the one asking ! He answered, offended. And anyway, how would YOU spend your most likely last night on earth ? He asked, pointing at her and mocking.  
\- That's an excellent question... which I'm trying to answer myself... I've tried alone, you know, the usual... but that was not it. So I came inside and glanced at the others, but that wasn't alone enough... I wouldn't have felt comfortable around them... And so... here I am...

-And... you're not going away ? He carefully asked

\- No... I guess not... I always could be alone with you... she answered, as if from far away

\- Yeah, I've heard you say that before... Don't have a clue what that means though...

\- It means I can forget myself when I'm around you... I can be me... Whatever that means...

\- Oh... he muttered... So... You wanna talk all night ? Or play games - not chess ! I've never understood those stupid rules ! - or would you be so crazy as to actually wanna sleep ? He flippantly asked.  
\- When you said you wanted to be near me, how did you picture it ? She asked, ignoring his idle talk"

He paused a moment, bewildered, as if he didn't understood the question.  
The truth was that she caught him off guard. She just showed interest in HIS feelings... well, that was new...

"Just what that literally means... just being at your side, or as close to you as I'm allowed to get... he answered cautiously. He was afraid that she wouldn't understand him and run away.

\- So... she started hesitantly before pausing a long moment. Why didn't you came up ?

\- Because... he said, averting his eyes, because I have no right... Not after... he sighed. Buffy, you've kept me close to you these last couple o' nights... and I'm afraid... his voice got thick. It was hard to speak. Why was she always pushing him ? Dammit... I'm afraid that that closeness would come to an end. And at the same time I'm afraid that it would grow. And I'm blaming myself for wanting it, that closeness, because, Buffy, how could this be okay ? How could I deserve it ?

\- Spike, stop that. Now. She confidently said. Stop torturing yourself ! Aren't you the guy that had tried his best to give me what I needed ? To have my back ? And the guy who risked everything to be a better man ? Isn't that you ? I've been watching you Spike, I've been looking very carefully... and you know what ? Congratulations... you've surpassed everything I though you were capable of... You became a man. A good man... So yes, as far as I'm concerned, you're forgiven... Stop torturing, Spike, I've forgiven you, could we PLEASE go to sleep ?

\- Yeah... I guess we could... whispered Spike glowing shyly."

So he lied down abandoning the burden of his soul and the darkness of his heart. He could die at peace, come morning...  
Slowly, she lied down against him, her body lining his, her head over his shoulder as he slowly came to touch her cheek with only the tips of his fingers... as if she were extremely fragile... or deadly dangerous... she couldn't tell. And so couldn't he.  
Finally, he mustered the courage to plant a shy kiss on her forehead, and lingered there. She closed her eyes, breathing. Among all those deaths, all those disasters, all that chaos, this finally felt like home. This lastly felt right. She could have cried, if she remembered how to... Their two bodies resting against each other, protecting each other, and that trust that transpired from them... That was beyond lust... beyond passion... Those weren't necessary anymore... Somehow, he felt hers as she felt his... Could this be love ? "No, no thinking at all".

He just stayed in that bliss : her body warming his by its simple touch, her presence filling his heart. He shuddered when she began to stroke his arm absentmindedly. Her mind may be drifting, but somehow, she was really here, closer and closer to him... closer than when they shagged or when he stalked her, or even when he was inhaling every scent of her. Silently, she was telling him all the trust and respect and love they've finally found. At the very last. She wouldn't say it aloud, but they were really beyond words now. So, why did he felt the urgent need to use them again ? Why did he put a slight distance between their bodies to make eye contact... ? Stupid dork...

" I love you, you know ? Buffy, I know you never believed me, but bugger it, I needed you to hear it one more time, before the end...

\- Maybe it's not the end... she mused... Anyway, I know... I feel it now Spike... I believe you"

And he knew she was telling the truth when she touched her lips to his and just lingered there. Just a chaste kiss that brought him back years ago... before... well there was also pain then, there's always been... but that was ages ago. Only this time, he knew this was right, he knew this was true.

"And so now I can die peacefully... Ain't love grand ?  
\- Shhhh... just stay close to me..."

And so he did.


End file.
